just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
