I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
