The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
