I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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