i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
