I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
