the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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