i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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