oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Less talking, more tequila
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm really busy with my period
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