do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
