i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
