i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
