I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
