She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
