He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
