we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
