Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
