Can Purell be used as lube?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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