I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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