Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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