I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
