like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
