But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
