my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
