Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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