I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
