May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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