Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
