SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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