she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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