i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
