I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
