guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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