Well douche your snatch and let's go!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
