I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
