ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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