Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
