the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
