having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
