don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
