i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Randomize
