His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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