OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
two words: eviction party
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
