I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
