so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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