Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
