i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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