On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
