He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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