even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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